Why Won’t My Husband Share With Me?

Question:

Hi,

I’m a very open person who shares every part of my life with my husband. My husband, however, doesn’t share anything with me. One example of this is him not informing me that my in-laws were visiting our home one weekend – I didn’t know anything about it until they arrived at our house.

Whenever I confront him about this stuff he goes off on a tangent to another topic, avoiding talking about it.

I feel really hurt when does things like this – I never hide anything from him, so it hurts me that he just won’t share this kind of information with me.

Answer:

Hi there,

Well this is one of those grey areas about whether or not this is a relationship issue, as such. Basically you have a major communication problem here, but if the rest of your relationship is working ok then you’re probably quite lucky. If other areas of your relationship are having problems then his tendency to not share any information with you is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Communication is a skill which can be learned, and you get better at it the more you practice it. It’s a skill your husband can learn too. That’s something positive to think about.

Now to get back to the stuff your husband does, like inviting relatives around without telling you – that’s just a total lack of consideration on his part. The thing is though that he probably learned this habit from one of his parents, and he’s also probably trying to assert his male dominance to show you that he’s the “man of the house”, and he doesn’t need to involve you in decisions. That means he’s treating you like a second-class citizen, which is wrong on every level.

He’s obviously also very good at avoiding talking to you about anything important, as you said. In situations like this couples counseling is a great idea because it can be a great way for partners to see just how much their behavior hurts the person they say they love. Sometimes it takes another person to show you just how unfair your behavior is.

If he refuses to go to couples counseling then you have a bigger problem on your hands. You can’t make him go, but you also can’t live an unhappy life with him. All relationships are about having a 50/50 balance in everything, but if that balance goes then the relationship can’t work.

Explain to him (without a confrontation) that to continue on with your relationship he needs to involve you more in his life, and in making big decisions like having relatives stay over.

People can change if they really choose to, but he needs to want to share his life more with you. It’s a choice he’ll have to make himself.

Marlon

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