Should I Write A Letter To My Ex Before Moving On With My Life?

Question:

Last year I met a girl at my job and within a couple weeks we started dating. For 10 and a half months, although most of it was long distance, we had an incredible and passionate relationship. However one day I began to notice changes in my girlfriend’s behavior, she stopped wanting to hang out or talk as much. Then she came out and told me that she felt like since she was going to college soon she was going through a transition in her life and wanted to find out who she is and broke up with me.

At first I was trying to convince her to come back but she wouldn’t. I still saw her everyday at work and tried to look like I was keeping it together but I only felt pain. 2 weeks after the break up she began texting me saying she missed me and wanted to hang out, and when we did she said she had made a mistake and was certain she wanted me back. We got back together and were passionately in love with each other again, but 1 week later she told me she had made the decision to get back together too soon and wasn’t sure of what she wanted and so she broke up with me again.

It’s been a week since then and we’ve been ignoring each other at work which only adds to the pain I’ve been feeling when I see her. I truly do miss her so much and although my family has been telling me to move on I just can’t – she is all I’ve been thinking about. I will go back to college in a few days and thought of leaving her a letter saying I’m hurt but not angry and that if breaking up is what’s best for her then I’m okay with that. This is the first time I’d be communicating with her since the second break up, is this a good idea?

If you could get back to me on what to do I’d be so incredibly grateful, Thank you.

Anonymous

Answer:

Hi,

I’m afraid your family is right here, even though that’s the last thing you want me to tell you. The reason why I know for a fact that your family are right about your moving on is because I dated a girl very, very similar to this a couple of years back. On again, off again, “I’m sure…wait…I’m not sure”, etc, etc. After 12 months of almost constant heartache the whole thing was driving me literally insane, so I had to walk away from her for the sake of my own health. I’ve never looked back since.

You’ve very astute in how you spotted changes in her behavior, because human beings are creatures of habit, so when they change their habits or behaviors there’s a big reason for that.

Your idea of writing her a letter is great for a number of reasons and the first and most important of those is that it will give you closure, which you need and deserve. You’ve done all the right things here and made all the right moves, so you have nothing to feel bad about. You’re showing a maturity that she lacks, and I can assure you based on that you’ll meet another girl very soon who loves you all the time and not just when it suits her.

When you’re writing the letter be honest, use simple language but don’t try to guilt-trip her or get into the “blame game” type of stuff. Wish her well at the end of it, mean it in your heart and then walk away. After that call your parents and thank them for raising a well-balanced, emotionally steady young man and enjoy college!

One small risk in writing the letter is that she will probably contact you again 2 – 6 weeks after receiving it. Be prepared for that and DO NOT stick on a pair of rose-tinted glasses when she does contact you. Steely-eye missile man all the way – but be polite too of course! 🙂

Marlon

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