Should I Wait For My Ex To Leave His Wife?

Question:

Hi there,

I was in a relationship 30 years ago which ended – my ex got married and so did I. We did have a son while we were in a relationship together, and he’s now 31 years old. My husband passed away just over 8 months ago, and since then my ex has been asking to see me again.

He’s told me that he still cares a lot for me and that I deserve to have a good life. He’s always been part of my life to a certain extent, calling me to find out if all is well with me and my kids, and so forth, but never anything else.

He has a successful business and is still married, but this hasn’t stopped us seeing each other for the last 2 months. It was all fine until his wife recently found out he was doing things for me, and I haven’t seen him since then. Or at least I hadn’t until he sent me a message two days ago saying I must be patient as things aren’t “good for him” at the moment, that he hasn’t forsaken me and that I must understand.

Please can you help me with this?

Vanessa

Answer:

Hi Vanessa,

The first part of your question read like a fairytale story of two people finding each other later in life and falling in love all over again. Obviously the fact that you have a child together means that there’s a bond there that never really goes away. The big issue here is that this guy is still married, and that’s not something that’s likely to go away – not unless he’s willing to leave his wife, and that’s rarely the case.

Now when you say “seeing each other” I’m assuming that you’ve been dating your ex, and all the other stuff that goes with that. If that’s the case then you need to realize this is incredibly unfair on his wife – he chose to marry her without a gun being put to his head. He’s built a life with her, and she’s obviously put quite a lot of trust in him. Even if he’s just providing financial support for you, this means this his time and money are not being spent on his own family.

He’s asking you to wait and be patient, but this isn’t entirely up to you. Did he tell you how long you might need to wait? 3 weeks? 3 months? 1 year? He’s being pretty vague here.

Do I think this guy loves you? I think he never really gave up on the idea of you being together, and that brings me to the next point: Why did your relationship end 30 years ago? Whose choice was it? If you look back at your past relationship you might find that some of the same “selfish” patterns he had back that are still present now?

I can’t tell you what to do, but trying to have a relationship with a married man generally only ends one way and it’s with you being hurt a whole lot.

Until he commits solely to you I wouldn’t do a lot of waiting around or being patient – life is too short!

Marlon

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