My Wife Is Leaving Me And I Have No Idea Why

Question:

My wife is leaving me after 19 years of marriage. I’m being given reasons like “I don’t love you anymore”, and all the other clichés you hear in movies. We have 2 kids together: a girl aged 6 and a boy of 12, so this means the kids are going to suffer too.

I know she’s part of this female support group which provide great counseling on how to get out of a marriage, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Anyway she’s about to move out this month into a rental, so we’re meeting up tonight to divide everything.

I haven’t really been dealing with this because I didn’t have time to do that – all of this came out of nowhere. We had our arguments, like any couple, but I can’t see that I’ve done anything wrong except be there for her.

Any suggestions are appreciated!

Rob

Answer:

Hi Rob,

It’s very hard to get perspective on a situation when you’re slap, bang in the middle of it and I think that’s where you are right now. Basically the clarity you need – and the answers to your own questions – is something which will come with time. I’m not going to say that time heals everything because that’s very rarely true when relationships break down. What actually helps you heal are coping skills.

When I’m faced with a dilemma like this I use something called “The Why Game”. What I do is look at a situation and keep asking “Why?” until I can’t ask that question anymore. Right now you’re at stage #1 of this process because you’re only asking “Why” and answering with “All I ever did was love her”. If you really start digging down inside yourself you might find that there were more cracks in your marriage than you cared to admit, or you might not for that matter. Keep asking yourself “Why” until you get to the truth of the matter – you might surprise yourself with what you find.

What concerns me about your question is that she’s participating in this female support group who help people get out of a marriage? I had no idea groups like that existed, but if they do then I certainly can’t see them being of any benefit. In my experience a lot of those groups are filled with bitter, angry people who are only interested in making other men/women as bitter and angry as every other member of the group – misery loves company basically. It would be better for both of you to visit a relationship counselor instead, because at least that way both voices are being heard.

The only real suggestion I can give you here is to do some serious, serious soul searching over the next few days, and really look for reasons why your wife would suddenly decide to leave you. Were there small annoyances that she was always complaining about, or things that you always bickered over? You need to dig deep here.

Once you’ve been all the way through your soul searching journey, and out the other side, then it’s time to sit down with your wife and get some real answers from her. “I don’t love you anymore” doesn’t cut it for 19-years of marriage, so I get the feeling that your wife is being evasive and basically doesn’t want to tell you why she’s decided that your marriage is over, or why it is in her mind at least.

Failing all else ask her to attend a marriage counselor with you because you deserve some honest answers here, and couples counseling can be a great way to achieve that.

I really do hope this works out for the best for you!

Marlon

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