My Overseas Girlfriend Is Ignoring Me!

Question:

Hi Marlon,

I’ll keep this as short as I possibly can.

I met this gorgeous German girl in October 2013, and we dated for 6 weeks in total. There’s an age gap of 7 years between us (she’s 18 and I’m 25), but this was never an issue while we were dating.

She kinda surprised me with how quickly she got close to me, even during our first date everything was far more intense than I expected, but I enjoyed hearing her say how romantic it all was. Even on our last date, before things went sour, she was talking about “our relationship”, our future together and other things like that.

So around mid-November I asked her out on a date but she told me she was busy with a friend who was visiting from Germany, but she promised me that we’d definitely hook up “next week for sure”. So I took her at her word and played it cool until the following week when I asked her out again. This is the point where the shit hit the fan.

Basically when we were supposed to meet up she was actually in another city on “an adventure” as she put it. I tried to be as cool about this as I possibly could and told her to have a great time and that we’d catch up when she got back. This is where I’m sure she started seeing me as needy because I called her a few times after that, which seemed to make things worse. To add to that I also texted her a few times asking her if things were ok between us and she just told me she was busy and that everything is ok. My gut instinct was telling me this wasn’t going to end well.

I contacted her again a week later to ask if she wanted to go on a cinema date to catch a movie she’d been waiting to see for a long time. I got no response to that invitation, which left me feeling pretty pissed off.

So about 5 days later I asked a female friend in work for some advice and she told me it was worth trying just one more time. Based on that I texted my “girlfriend” and asked if she was free to talk anytime soon. It was at this point that she told me she was going back to Germany a few days later. The back-story to this is that she’d come here to get some overseas living experience, travel, meet new people and do new things, including getting a job – which is something she never managed to do.

Once I knew she was leaving the country to return home to Germany I started to understand why she’d become so distant, or at least I thought I did. I figure she was just trying to protect herself from being hurt, so she put some distance between us.

Despite all of the above I still suggested meeting up before she left for home, but she did everything she could to avoid that, including telling me that meeting me again would make it difficult for her to able to say goodbye when she had to. I left it all settle for a few days and then asked her one last time to meet up before she left, explaining that I thought we had something special and that I didn’t want to leave it without seeing each other one last time. At this stage I was obviously not only being emotional but needy too, yet another mistake on my part. Anyway her reply to all of this was that “I see you more as a friend and that’s why I got so distant”. I stopped contacting her after that.

From that point onwards I settled into the idea of never hearing from her again, or at least I did until I got a text message from her, which surprised the heck out of me. Unfortunately it was pretty clear that the text message was meant for somebody else. I’m not sure why she sent me that text, especially because I’m not in the habit of texting the wrong person by accident, especially considering how easy the latest smartphones are to use. What made this even worse was the fact that this message arrived the Monday AFTER she was supposed to leave for Germany.

That pissed me off, because she can get as distant as she wants but I hate being lied to for any reason! In the end I just put the text down to being a freak accident and got on with my life, although I did reply telling her that I realized she was still in the country.

So the day before she actually left I was at a mall with some friends and she suddenly walks past me with one of her friends. I decided I had nothing to lose at this point and walked up to her, which left her stunned. Once she got over the fact I was standing in front of her she seemed to get a bit annoyed at something, but I wasn’t sure what. I asked her if she had time to talk now and she said ‘I sent you a WhatsApp message but you never went on it to check’. She also made it very obvious that she wanted to be left alone with her friend, but as she was walking away she said ‘Go online on WhatsApp later, ok?’ to which I replied with ‘Yeah, ok’. I didn’t bother in the end because I thought the WhatsApp message was going to be some crap like “I’m sorry”, “You’re a nice guy but..” or some of the other excuses I’d heard a lot in the past.

In the end curiosity got the better of me and I decided to check her WhatsApp message. It was basically along the lines of ‘Hey I am going out with my friends tonight if you want to come along to say goodbye.’ This was a total mind-fuck for me because why would she blow me off several weeks before that and then invite me out to say goodbye to her, when she’d also told me that saying goodbye would be too hard.

Once again I figured I had nothing to lose so I sent her a Facebook message telling her that I missed her and that I’d gotten the WhatsApp message she sent me. I told her she’s free to get in touch with me, and that I still felt the same way as I did when I first met her. I ended the message with “So this is either see you later or goodbye”, making it clear I was willing to walk away if I had to.

Basically I think I made 3 key mistakes:

  1. I wasn’t quick enough in getting physically intimate with her, something she was clearly hinting at
  2. I called her and messaged her too much in the first week, and things went downhill from there
  3. Being overly emotional in my approach to her, saying things like “We’ve built something special”

So Marlon I’m curious about your opinion on this. She’s finally left the country, so that means things like Facebook and WhatsApp are the only possible avenues for communication between us. I haven’t heard from her since I sent that Facebook message 4 weeks ago, and I’ve not contacted her again since then. I guess what I’m really asking is how do I get her interested in me again just using things like Facebook?

Thanks for any feedback or ideas you might have!

Johnny

Answer:

Hi Johnny,

Thanks for asking your question here and hopefully I’ll be able to help you deal with what you’ve been through and then move on with your life. Yes that’s right I did just say “move on” because that’s exactly what I think you need to do here. Most people wind up in situations like this because they find it hard to separate the idea of being in love with their perfect woman from the fact that their “perfect woman” is treating them like garbage.

If you look at the behavior of this German girl you’ll notice she gets very deep into relationships very quickly and then seems to pull away just as quickly. What’s even worse is that she then strings you along for weeks with a variety of excuses, before bluntly telling you that she’s leaving the country, breaking your heart in the process.

Then to add insult to injury she lies to you about the date and time of her leaving, but still not happy with that she decides to hurt and confuse you even more by inviting you to her goodbye party!? WTF? That’s not normal behavior for anyone dude – male or female.

My question here Johnny is why exactly do you want to date this girl? She might be pretty on the outside but she sounds pretty messed up on the inside, plus dating an 18-year old girl in a serious way is a complete and total waste of time in 99% of cases. Most women, especially European women, have no real interest in getting into serious relationships until they’re in their 30s, so hoping this girl willbe yours forever isn’t really going to work out.

I have the benefit of reading your question without wearing rose tinted glasses and all I’m seeing is a genuine guy who has been treated badly by a girl who probably falls in love several times per week. Don’t take that as an insult because it’s not meant to be, but that girl is too messed up and too young to get into anything serious with you, so you genuinely do need to let her go, forget her and move on.

Now I also noticed you were being very critical of your own behavior in terms of being “too emotional”, etc. You cannot be anyone other than yourself with women because they’ll eventually see through the “mask” you’re wearing and they won’t like being deceived. With that being said I would be very careful about rushing into falling in love at the age of 25, because unfortunately being too eager with younger women can be a bit of a turn-off for them. The same applies to calling and messaging girls (like the German girl) who have said they’re not interested in you – persistence is fine but eventually it won’t seem charming and they’ll definitely lose whatever interest they might have had in you in the first place.

Building real love takes time dude, so give any future relationships a couple of months before you go making any big decisions about spending your life with just one woman – especially not after just a few weeks!

Basically Johnny the German girl is gone and good riddance to her, she’s been doing nothing but playing mind games with you for almost the entire time you knew her. Remove her from WhatsApp and block her on Facebook because otherwise you’re going to waste weeks or months of your life on the vain hope that she might realize what a great guy you are and come running back to you, etc, etc…because that isn’t going to happen – you have my word.

You seem like a nice guy so why not date some nice girls for a change and remember one simple thing: Love and romance aren’t meant to be hard or hurtful, so when it is walk away from whoever is hurting you.

Marlon

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