I was in a relationship with a guy for about a year – we study at the same university, and in the same department. He’s only one year older than me, so there’s no age gap, or anything like that. We really enjoyed spending time together, so that led to dating which then led to us being in a relationship. Everything was going really well, and we were enjoying our time together, even though we acted more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend when we were at college together.
The problem is that we live in different states, and after being apart during the holidays things started to change between us. He started telling me that distance changes things, that he couldn’t be with me all the time and that I deserved better. Based on that we broke up.
Now I’m stuck with the problem of seeing him every single day in college, which is making life very difficult for me. I still have strong feelings for him – I’ve never felt this way about a guy before. I’m an art student (a painter), and I can safely say that while I was in relationship with him I was really productive. I found inspiration for my paintings everywhere and in everything.
We’d agreed to stay friends after the breakup, which made sense considering we’re both attending the same college. And to be honest he never misses a chance to say “Hi!” or just generally be nice to me.
While I was talking to him last month he mentioned that he’s seeing another girl now, and I felt horrible about it. Since then he’s been talking to me more and acting like the breakup didn’t really affect our friendship.
I’m really confused at the moment, especially with the way he’s behaving. I know that I still love him, so that makes the whole experience very painful for me.
I really need your advice on what to do next, and if he’s worth fighting for?
Can you please help me?
I’m going to skip right to the end of your question, so I can answer the most important part of it: Is your ex boyfriend worth fighting for?
He’s a player, and he’s proven that the only feelings he really cares about are his own. Basically he’s been very clever about how he’s gone about breaking up with you, which leaves him with zero guilt, and you with a broken heart. Allow me to explain what he’s done, and why he doesn’t even deserve your friendship at this point – he’s beneath you.
- This guy gets into a relationship with you, knowing he’s older and more “experienced” than you are, but he manages to make it look like you’re just friends to everyone else you’re in university with.
- The summer holidays come along and he decides that he’s not ready to commit to you, so he gives you a modified version of “It’s not you…it’s me.”
- He then plays the ace he’s been hiding up his sleeve by asking you to stay friends – this means he can tell everyone you’re still friends, and what a great guy he is for doing that.
- For the next few weeks or months he’s still friendly towards you, but keeps his distance – this again shows everyone what a great guy he is because he’s “respecting your space.”
- After 60-90 days he suddenly appears with a new girlfriend, but now that you’ve “just been friends” for so long nobody can accuse him of being an ass.
- He maintains his friendship with you just in case he messes things up with his new girlfriend, and wants to come running back to you because it was all “a big mistake”, and he understands now how much you mean to him. This means he won’t ever have to be completely on his own, which is something he’s terrified of.
He’s deliberately left you confused, because as long as you don’t understand what he’s done to you he can walk away blame-free and enjoy dating this new girl. That’s until he gets bored with her, and wants somebody new instead – that’ll happen soon enough because that’s the kind of guy he is.
On the subject of being more creative while you’re in a relationship that’s usually true. Most creative people tend to be more productive when they’re happy, but some of the finest works of art in human history have been composed or painted by the most tortured souls. Your art will change depending on how you feel, so why not channel some of the negative energy you’re feeling right now onto the canvas and see what happens. You will be incredibly surprised that you don’t produce as many paintings, but the ones you create right now have more depth and clarity in them. Give it a try 🙂
Delete this guy’s number, unfriend him on Facebook and basically cut all ties with him. Everything that’s happened between you has been to suit him, so why on Earth would you stay friends with a guy who deliberately hurt you? Don’t worry – as soon as you cut him out of your life he’ll come running right back to you, I just think you’d be nuts to even consider having coffee with him to be honest.
Don’t date boys like this guy Vanessa – look for an actual man insted. There are plenty of them out there 😉