My Ex-Boyfriend Has A New Woman – How Do I Get Him Back?

Question:

Hi,

Thank you so much for your guides, but as much as they’ve helped me I still have a huge dilemma I’m trying to deal with. You see I’m dying to get my ex back.

I was in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, although we’d been together for 8 years in total. Unfortunately the long distance relationship drove us apart because of the usual issues that come up as part of an LDR – infrequent sex, trying to figure out who moves where, and when to do that, etc, etc. Our original plan was that when he finished school we’d move back in together again, but we were both achieving so much in our working lives neither one of us was willing to relocate. This obviously caused a huge amount of stress between us, and then that lead to the breakup.

So we broke up and I got on with my life, although I think he’d mentally moved on with his life long before this thanks to the lack of sex and constant arguments we had. I obviously didn’t help matters by telling him that I’d never move back – words which I’m obviously eating right now.

Now though, I’ve found myself to be at a different place in my life since the breakup with him, and I KNOW and WANT to be the woman I wasn’t over the last few years, and to especially be the woman I should have been in my relationship with him. During the long distance part of our relationship work was a major priority for me, but I’ve changed my outlook on that. I know I could have done more to spice things up between us too, but just never got around to it.

I’m worried that all he remembers about me is the stress of the last few years of our relationship and the painful breakup. Well that and the fact that I went into “overly-emotional-ex-girlfriend” mode when we did break up – I called and texted him over and over again. In the end he just blocked me from Facebook and from sending him text messages. What’s bizarre is that this isn’t normal behavior for me – I’m a driven career woman. Or at least I was – I’ve realized that I love the small things in life far more than my career, and although I feel I never take things for granted I’m realizing that you really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. I miss the simple stuff like hearing him shout out my nickname when I walk in from work, waking up together or just cuddling watching a movie together.

He made me so happy when we were together, and he was definitely the most special thing in my life. He just made me laugh so much, and when things were good between us they were really, really good. I’d just love this period of our lives to be when we build something new and exciting together.

The problem is that he really has moved on with his life and is now dating a younger girl – she’s 21, making her 7 years younger than him. Even worse is that it’s not a rebound relationship because they met at school, and built a connection talking about the “issues” they were having with their significant others – in his case that was me, and in her case that was her husband. They wound up moving in together after dating for just 4 months. I guess he was just missing having a woman in his life and moved on quickly because of that? He says this relationship is different, that they have fun, laugh lots (no stress for him there), and that whatever we had together is over now. They are ALWAYS together and look very happy, but I can’t help but want what we had back. The other issue with fixing things between us is that right now we’re not in contact with each other.

I’m in the process of moving to the same state he lives in (there’s a lot of reasons for this move), which is doubly sad because 90% of what we fought about was living in the same state, and now I find myself moving home a lot later than I should have. Both of our families live in the same state too, but the only real way I have of contacting him is to just show up at his workplace, which seems far too creepy.

I’ve been crying for the last 4 months and just cannot seem to move past this. I’m so heartbroken and just want to rekindle what I KNOW we had together.

My question is how do I reconnect with him to build something together given that he’s now living with his new girlfriend? Now he can only see what we were, but not what we could be. I want this man more than anything, know where things went wrong and want the chance to prove to him that I’ve changed.

I’m now on week 2 of “no contact”, but I’m going home in 1 week so I want to be prepared in advance.

I just want to show him the new me. Help!

Thank you!!

Brooke

Answer:

Hi Brooke,

What’s happened here is that your relationship finished without you having proper closure. This has left you with more questions than answers, a desire to make the failed relationship work out, and all while wearing a very large pair of rose-tinted glasses. You’re not the first woman to feel like this, and wanting to rekindle a relationship with an ex is entirely understandable. The other issue I see here is that your logical brain might have been hijacked by your emotional brain – which is known as an emotional hijack – you’re only seeing the good in your past relationship with him, but not allowing yourself to see the “bad”.

One example of the “bad” is looking at your ex boyfriend for who he really is. Time after time in your question you blamed yourself for all the issues in your relationship, thinking you could have done more to work things out, done more to spice things up or just done everything in the world to make it work out. My question here is what did your boyfriend do to make your relationship work? How much effort did he put in to smooth things over between you, or to spice things up between you? Was it a lot, very little or was he just entirely passive in the whole thing?

I’m not saying your ex is a bad person, but what I am saying is that it takes two people to make a relationship work. This means you can’t blame 100% blame yourself for what happened with him, because he owns 50% of the “blame” for your breakup.

Another thing I noticed when I was reading your question is that he moved in with this new girl after being with her for 4 months. How long were they dating before this? Did she just break up with her husband, start dating your ex and then move in with him a few weeks later? Doesn’t that sound just a tiny bit suspicious to you? It all happened very quickly for them, and he moved on very quickly with his new life too. I’m guessing that he might not be telling you the whole truth about his relationship with this new girl, and they may have been together in secret for a while before you broke up.

Does that make him a bad person now? Nope, but he’s probably in a deeply dysfunctional relationship with this woman, and he doesn’t even realize it. Maybe she’s the kind of person who just walks out on a marriage on a whim, but is that the kind of person you want to share your life with? 90% of men would run in the opposite direction, believe me.

Right now I think your boyfriend is doing a very good version of the emotionally wounded ex-boyfriend who just wants to get on with his life i.e. he’s using his own guilt as a weapon against you. Remember you were together for 8 years, the other woman was married and now they’re playing happy family together. Nope, sorry that just doesn’t compute at all. Her age is irrelevant by the way – she decided to get married without anyone forcing her into it, so she has no excuses there.

Now to get back to the answer to your question: How do you get your ex-boyfriend back now that he’s living with a younger woman?

Brooke the honest answer is that you don’t. In fact you don’t even try. This guy was happy enough to break up with you after 8 years, and then shack up with his new woman a few months later. You’ve also only been following the “no contact” rule now for 2 weeks – you can’t hope to have any real perspective on your overall relationship with this guy after such a short time. Staying in touch with him after the breakup, while he was dating his new girlfriend, also means your perspective on all of this might be a bit skewed.

For right now I’d suggest that you leave this ex-boyfriend do his own thing and stick to the “no contact” rule for at least 6 – 8 weeks. That might seem like a long time to not be in touch with him but the fact that he’s blocked you from Facebook and sending text messages means he has no interest in talking to you at the moment, so you have to try and respect that. An ex will always get back in touch sooner or later, even if it’s just because they’re worried about you. But please, please, please leave him do the contacting work this time – you’ve done more than enough so far.

Take time out over the next few weeks to take a look at your own life, and what you want for you. I know right now that you’re saying all you want is to rekindle your relationship with him, but I think if you give yourself a few weeks to be okay with living in your own skin and being okay with being on your own, then you’ll find that you’re not quite so hot to get back together with this guy. You need space and time to breathe and just be YOU – nobody else really matters at this point.

If you find yourself struggling to cope with the breakup then please consider getting some personal counseling – the results of just a few sessions with a qualified and experienced counselor can be absolutely amazing. You can literally reinvent yourself right now, so become the woman you want to be, and not the woman somebody else expects or needs you to be 😉

Marlon

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Brooke - November 30, 2014 Reply

Marlon, this is the most powerful advice i have received and you caught on to everything. Thank you so much for taking time to put so much thought into an email to helps someone you don’t know, it is truly appreciated. As far as his new relationship he describes her as “fun” and me I “challenged” him to go big with his life. Him dating a younger girl who doesn’t challenge him I think makes him feel more masculine. I dont know if that’s healthy long-term? But yes I think it is dysfunctional and he doesn’t even realize it. Will he ever? I feel like I don’t even know my ex. I am back home right now and have not contacted him… it’s hard because everything reminds me of him (even the grocery store). Its so sad to think I’ve been gone for 4 years…I didn’t realize how long it was until I reflected back. It’s so sad because I want to move home and have the small things in life back with him (cooking together, walking in the door from work to greet him, etc.).

I am now 4 weeks into no contact but he hasn’t reached out for months. If he doesn’t reach out is it appropriate for me to reach out? I fear him not seeing me makes it SO much easier to move on (b/c he was almost forced to move on). I will be home again for xmas (which will be the 8 week mark) and i want to give him back a promise ring he gave me.

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