I’ve been in love with a man for the last 4-years and during this time he’s remained friends with his ex, who he had a 10-year relationship with. In my opinion she’s a very needy person who manipulates people and situations to get her own way. Now this same ex is living with him because he feels he’s responsible for her.
He still sees me 2 – 3 times per week without her knowing, and says he cannot make his mind up about what to do – he wants his place back but can’t hurt her to do that.
Wow that’s one complicated situation you have there!
Okay so you’re 4 years into this relationship so you’re past the honeymoon stage and it’s now time for your boyfriend to either poop or get off the pot to be honest. The fact that he feels obliged to take care of his ex means that your boyfriend is probably a decent guy deep down, but he needs to decide who he’s in a relationship with!
I’m puzzled that you said “He still sees me 2 – 3 times per week without her knowing..” though – why would it matter what she does or doesn’t know about you? Is she so controlling that she won’t allow him to date you like a normal, single guy would? If that’s the case then you need to have a very serious conversation with your boyfriend about this – it’s not healthy for either of you to have to sneak around like you’re having an affair!
You’ve invested 4 years in your relationship with him so he now needs to decide exactly what he wants, otherwise you could be in this same situation in 5, or even 10-years time – which is something I’m pretty certain you don’t want to happen.
The reality is that unless his ex is terminally ill he’s not responsible for her, no matter what he feels. In fact what he’s actually doing is called “enabling”, where he’s basically giving her permission to behave this way and to control his life as a result. The longer this goes on the worse it’s going to get for you both, so you need to take positive action now.
Sit him down and explain how you feel, but without giving any ultimatums. In situations like this it always helps to use role reversal, so you could ask him how he’d feel if you had an ex boyfriend living with you and was telling you when you could and couldn’t see your boyfriend?
This is a tough decision for your boyfriend to make so let him know that you’re there to support him. He knows the right thing to do – he’s just afraid to do it.