I’ve been married for 19-years but in the last few years I felt there was no spark between myself and my wife. I do sincerely love my wife, but for some weird reason she feels more like a sister to me now than a lover? Now the other problem is that I’ve fallen in love with a woman I work with – she’s older than me but very attractive and I literally can’t stop thinking about her. This other woman is my closest friend in work and has always been there for me when I needed somebody.
Now the other issue is that this new woman I’ve fallen in love with is in a dysfunctional marriage – her husband has cheated on her several times and has even physically assaulted her, so she’s no longer happy in her marriage either.
I spend a lot of my day just thinking about this other woman and I always have this really strong desire to be with her. I really do believe this woman is my soul mate but I just don’t know what to do – I’ve been married for a long time and have children with my wife!
I just want to be happy but I’m not sure what to do to make that happen?
I’m going to have to make several assumptions here based on what you’ve told me. Firstly I’m assuming that you’ve had sexual contact with this other woman, or at least checked that she’s as in love with you as you are with her. If you’re not sure she’s actually in love with you then you need to double check.
You see the problem with having an affair with a person in a dysfunctional marriage is that they’re generally just happy to receive affection and to not be physically assaulted on a regular basis – you become their “way out” of their messed up marriage, even though they don’t see it that way.
You’ve been married for 19-years now so I’m going to assume you’re in your 40s, which puts you in the perfect age bracket for having a complete and total midlife crisis. The problem with a midlife crisis is that you generally don’t know you’re having one until it’s over but it’s usually accompanied by symptoms like feeling lost, wanting to do something meaningful with your life and finding your soulmate. These aren’t unusual feelings – it’s just difficult at this stage of your life to be honest with yourself about exactly what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it.
The other problem is that when people start talking about soulmates they base a lot of really, really important life decisions on the belief that there is only one soul mate for them. In fact every person on this planet has several soulmates, and some of them are simply here to get you through the bad times in your life – but we’re never meant to have long-term romantic relationships with them.
What I’m getting at here is that you’ve been with your wife for 19-years and have built a family together – she’s a known quantity to you. This new woman is new, interesting and exciting. It’s a new person to have sex with, and she’s probably quite welcoming of your advances and adventurous in bed.
The question to really ask yourself here is whether or not you’ve given your marriage a fair shot? Have you gone to counseling with your wife? If not then why not? Are you looking for an excuse to get out of your marriage, or have you genuinely done everything you can?
Your wife has invested just as many years in you as you have in her, so be absolutely 1000% certain you’re doing the right thing before you go breaking up your marriage of 19 years.
Please be certain that you’ve done everything you can to save your marriage before throwing away 19 years of life and love and starting all over again.