I was dating a man for two years up until quite recently when a woman contacted me to let me know she’s been sleeping with my man. I was absolutely devastated to hear this, but I needed to find out the truth for myself. When I confronted him about this other woman he admitted to having sex with her on a few occasions, but only when we were fighting with each other or were “broken up” at the time. So basically I forgave him and took him back.
The problem now is that although I told him that I’ve forgiven him I honestly don’t feel like he’ll ever be 100% faithful to me.
Am I wasting my time? We are both in our early 40s, so I can’t afford to have him waste even a few months of my life, never mind a few years.
I do love him dearly.
What should I do?
It can take an entire lifetime to build trust between two people, but it only takes seconds to destroy it forever, and your faith in your man has been pretty much destroyed based on what you’ve written here.
Looking at this with a critical (and suspicious) mind why did this woman only contact you 2 weeks ago and not at the very start of their “affair”? It sounds to me like he decided he didn’t want to cheat on you anymore, she got jealous of that and decided to ruin your relationship with him to keep control of him.
This also makes me think that they had far more of a “relationship” than he’s ever admitted to you, and he’s hoping the whole thing will just go away now.
It’s admirable that you’ve forgiven him but forgiveness is a process more than an event – it’s more like jogging a half-marathon than a quick 100-metre sprint to the finish line, if that makes any sense? For example does he understand that having an argument does not, under any circumstances, give him the right to go out and cheat on you? If not then you need to have that conversation with him immediately.
The problem you’re going to have here is that doubt is going to constantly eat away at you every time he comes home late, or heads out for a few beers with his buddies or gets a phone call from somebody you don’t know.
You have a few options here:
- Hope that forgiving him is enough and that he’ll stay faithful
- Go to relationship counseling together to see if you can have a real and honest relationship with each other
- Walk away now before he has a chance to cheat on you again.
You see the problem is that no matter how much you love some people they’ll keep cheating on you, because if they got away with it once they’ll be able to get away with it over and over again – he just needs to be more careful next time so that he doesn’t get caught, basically.
You also mentioned that you’re in your early 40s, so now is that time in your life to find somebody who will treat you well and love you for the rest of your days, and if you know in your heart that your current guy isn’t ‘Mr Right’ you can be sure that ‘Mr Right’ is out there waiting for you to bump into him.