I Still Love Her But My Family Doesn’t…What Do I Do Now?

Question:

I hope you can help me after reading my story!

Basically around 2 years ago I built up a friendship with a girl I worked with. Now she was already in a 10 year relationship with her boyfriend, and they had one kid together and I knew this from the very start. Long story short we fell in love with each other and she decided to break up with him and be with me instead.

We moved in together after a couple of months and everything in our relationship started off great – I really did feel like the luckiest guy on Earth!

There were some problems of course because my mom, brother and at least one of my friends didn’t like my new girlfriend from the first moment they met her and were constantly telling me she was too dumb or ugly to be with me, or was just bad news for me, period. Obviously I was in love so chose my girlfriend over my friends or family, because in my head that was the right thing to do.

Then, of course, the little arguments with my new girlfriend started, and all the negative stuff that my family and friends had said about her just reappeared in my mind. What’s worse is that I projected a lot of those negative ideas back onto her. Things got so bad that I eventually packed up all my stuff and got ready to leave. The reality is that I didn’t really want to go but I just couldn’t live in that situation anymore. My attempt to leave really hurt her and said she never really got over it.

Things did improve though and we were starting to enjoy our relationship and life together again – I really did see her as being my future and the woman I wanted to grow old with. But of course my family got involved again and their complete and total lack of respect for her finally got to her, and she figured she’d be better off with her ex than facing all the constant criticism from my family.

Now I know that her getting back together with her ex isn’t a good choice for her or the kid, and in my mind I am definitely the better choice when it comes to a partner for her. The problem is that she can’t see it that way because of all the trouble we had at different points in our relationship.

So right now we’re broken up but she’s living with me and has also gotten back together with her ex. To add insult to injury she’s also going away on holiday to Greece with him next week, but will come back here to live with me! She tells me she still loves me but doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore – she only wants a relationship with her ex.

I will do anything to get her back – literally anything to win her back into my life.

Ruben

Answer:

Hi Ruben,

Wow! Okay that’s a really difficult situation you have there man and a complete headwrecker too – I know some people don’t mind living with their exs but I think it’s a really bad choice both emotionally and psychologically for everyone involved.

The first question that pops into my head here is that why is she living with you and not him? After all she’s all about having a relationship with him, so why doesn’t she move in with him and let you get on with your life? I suspect she’s playing the odds on that one man – she’s keeping you in her life just in case anything goes wrong with this other guy. It’s like you’re some kind of “emergency” boyfriend for her – she just can’t handle the idea of being alone.

Now I need to kinda jump back to the start here and look at how you started out in your relationship with her. She was in a relationship for 10 years with this other guy but fell in love with you and then left him. That’s a pretty big decision for any girl to make – especially when she had a kid with this other guy. It also means that she’s willing to break up with guys without giving it too much thought.

Next up is your family. Unfortunately families do this all the time i.e. interfering in relationships which are none of their business. Even with the best of intentions parents, siblings and friends can ruin relationships in a heartbeat. Your problem here is that no girlfriend is ever going to put up with that kind of crap from her boyfriend’s family so you need to tell your family to stay out of your romantic life – the same way you stay out of theirs.

Being honest Ruben – just from my perspective – this relationship was in trouble from the very start. It was either you arguing with your new girlfriend, you arguing with your family about your new girlfriend, or you trying to leave your new girlfriend because of all the arguing. Those aren’t the signs of a healthy relationship, so I’d spend some time thinking about whether or not you were truly happy in that relationship…or were you just happy to be in a relationship, full stop? There’s a big difference buddy!

But you asked me how to win her back so I’ll do my best to answer that.

#1 You need to speak to your family and tell them that who you fall in love with is your business and not theirs. If they can’t understand that then you’ll have to limit contact with them for your own sanity.

#2 Sit down and have a heart-to-heart chat with your ex girlfriend when she gets back from Greece. Tell her how you feel and that you’d like to try again with her. This includes asking her while she says she still loves you but is living with you and not living with her boyfriend instead.

My gut feeling here is that this girl doesn’t really know what she wants and you’re facing an uphill struggle and a lot of uncertainty getting back together with her – if that’s what you do decide to do.

Marlon

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