I Need To Know If My Guy Is Gay!

Question:

Hi there,

I find this whole site of yours really interesting to say the least, especially the blog post titled “How To Tell If Your Boyfriend Is Gay“. I’ve been struggling with the worry of my boyfriend being gay ever since he pretended to get off while having sex with me a few months ago. So, as you can see, I need a little more professional advice on this topic and would like your personal opinion on whether or not my boyfriend could actually be gay.

Okay, so the whole thing happened about a month and a half ago, but I already had some past concerns about the fact that he might be gay. I just didn’t think too much about it because we’d only been together for 3 months. The problem was that I was still worried while we were having sex that he just didn’t seem too thrilled about the whole experience. It was one of the first times we’d used a condom, and we only did that because I’d lost my health insurance, so couldn’t afford any birth control.

So while we were having sex that time he was on top of me, but with his head buried in the pillows. I finally got tired of him doing that so pulled his head out of the pillows and made him look at me, and kiss me. Straight away after that he started moaning, and then pretended to get off on the whole experience. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong, so when he got off of me I asked him, “Did you just cum?”, and he said “Yeah, of course I did. Why?” I just gave him a weird look, looked down at the condom he was still wearing (which was obviously empty) and I said “Really? Because it doesn’t look like you did”.

He started insisting that he actually had cum, and he kept that up until I said “Pinky promise?” A “pinky promise” was something we did together where you couldn’t lie to the other person when you said it – that would mean you didn’t care about the relationship. It USED to work at least. At first he said “Yeah, pinky promise”, but he couldn’t do our whole pinky promise/kiss thing. Then he finally admitted “No I didn’t cum. I’m sorry.”

Since then he’s come up with soooo many different excuses as to why he lied to me about cumming. One was “We had sex too many times in a row and it hurt to cum again”. I didn’t go for that one because we once had sex for 12 hours and he came during that marathon session. There was another time before that when we had sex for 8 hours and he didn’t come. Then he told me he was “too tired” to stay hard all the time, and a few other excuses I’ve forgotten since then.

I’ve stopped questioning him about being gay, because he gets extremely defensive and I think it hurts his feelings – obviously it hurts me to see him get hurt. So I want to be the last person doing the hurting here.

Our sex life has slowed down a whole lot compared to when we started dating, to the point where we haven’t had sex even once a week for the past month. I’ve also noticed that he never really checks me out when I get changed in front of him, plus he’s not touching me all over like most men would. Even worse is the fact that if we don’t have sex it doesn’t really seem to bother him, and he never really seems to check out other women. I find that weird because during the first few weeks of our relationship he made it clear that he would continue checking out other women, but that he finds me more attractive than them, period. Oh yeah, I forgot – I’ve seen him check out a couple of his friends, AND he even got a hard-on around of his more attractive friends, twice!

On one of those occasions we were cuddling on a chair, and I had my head resting on his shoulder, pretending to have my eyes closed. I didn’t have my eyes fully closed though, so I could still watch him to see what he was looking at. He had his hand on my butt, but I’d see him look at his attractive male friend and he’d kinda bite his lip, then he’d squeeze my butt some more! He never looked down at me while he was doing this, but he was trying to act like I was the one turning him on. Then he told this same guy to walk down the hallway to get something for him, and it just seemed like he checked him out the whole way down the hall, really biting his lip and breathing heavily.

The last thing which got me worried was that he wanted to “experiment” sexually, so he asked me to put my finger in his butt (sorry for that mental image!). At first I was kinda weirded out, so I was only rubbing or tickling his gooch, but even that really turned him on. I’d never seen him get this turned on before and, of course, it was turning me on to get him all worked up like that. The whole way through this he was acting like he’d never done this before by saying things like “I don’t know…yeah I guess you would do it like that”, but at the same time he was directing me in exactly how to do everything – so he must have had some previous experience, right? Eventually he just told me to stick my finger inside him, and when I finally did he had the biggest look of relief on his face – it was like he’d been waiting for me to do that the whole time!

These days sex between us lasts minutes instead of hours, and when he does go soft I give him head until he gets off. It’s the same thing every single time now, and he never makes any attempt to make me cum, and I never ask him to. I guess I’ve given up on the thought of being pleased sexually. I do enjoy giving him head and seeing him get turned on though, but I don’t ever expect anything in return.

So that’s the gist of it. Please tell me if I’m completely wrong about this or not. Sorry if I went into a lot of detail, but I really need help with this! It would be really cool if we could email each other – it might make this a little easier.

Thanks for your time and I hope you get back to me soon!

From a woman in dire need of some help!

Michelle

Answer:

Hi Michelle,

I think you can take first place for the most detailed question ever sent in here, which is great because it gives me lots to work with. I’d love to be able to chat via email but unfortunately I can’t give out my personal email address because I’d be bombarded with requests, and even Marlon needs some downtime – I love helping people but there are limits to how far I can take that 😉

Now back to the subject of your boyfriend and his sexuality. The first thing that really stood out in your question is the length of time you expect to have sex for – 12 hours!! That’s an impressive sexual achievement for any woman of any age, but it might also be far too much for your boyfriend to handle. You see you obviously have a very high sex drive, but there are people out there who have a much lower sex drive, and I have a couple of friends who openly admit they have no sex drive – one of them is a woman. So that’s the first thing to pay attention to here – you expect your guy to be able to perform for 8 – 12 hours without any negative effect on him, and that’s humanly impossible. I know from personal experience that having sex beyond 5 or 6 hours can be incredibly painful for a guy – condom or not.

He lied to you about cumming, and it would take a blind woman not to be able to notice that, but that might also have been down to the fact that he simply wasn’t able to perform to your sexual expectations anymore – so he just pretended to cum to take a “break” for a while. The other thing here is that you’ve questioned him about being gay, which I can guarantee has hurt his self-confidence and killed off his sex drive a little bit. When you kill off a guy’s self-confidence/ego, you kill off his desire – and sometimes his ability – to have sex with you.

The amount of sex any couple has will vary over time, especially if one person or the other is stressed, tired or just not feeling great about themselves at that point in time. Even the healthiest, horniest person on the planet will have a stage in their life where they’re just not in the mood for sex, and this isn’t a problem just so long as it doesn’t last for weeks or months.

The fact that he’s checking out other guys, and apparently getting turned on turned on while doing that, is far more worrying though, but it still doesn’t mean he’s 100% gay. What you might be dealing with instead is a guy who’s realized he’s bisexual and is having a very hard time dealing with that – no pun intended. The sexual experimentation around his butt is a sign that he wants to try out new sensations with somebody he trusts, so at least he knows if he’d enjoy that experience, or not, in the future.

Overall I do think you have reason to be concerned about his sexuality, because I think he’s as confused as anyone is when they realize they’re actually bisexual and not 100% straight. Remember he’s probably having a very tough time dealing with what’s going on his head (and his pants), so slow down a little bit with making assumptions about him. After all most of the assumptions we have in life turn out to be completely wrong, and that’s probably very true here too.

There’s also the potential reality that he is gay, and has been living in denial his whole life, and it’s just getting tougher as he gets older. There could be a huge amount of pressure from his family and friends to stay “straight”, but your real sexuality will always rise to the surface.

So the eventualities I can see here are:

  1. He’s gay and can’t admit it to himself, or to you
  2. He’s bisexual and can’t admit it to himself, or to you
  3. He’s just going through a weird phase and doesn’t know how to handle it
  4. He feels under huge pressure to perform like a porn star for you, so avoids sex as a result of that

Michelle if you really want to sort out this situation then the only way is to put your cards on the table and talk to your boyfriend about this, but don’t openly question him about it. He will get defensive about things if you go into interrogation mode, so a softer approach might work that bit better. Basically if I were in your position I’d let him know that I love him, enjoy sex with him and am wondering why our sex life has kinda slowed down over the last few months – show him that you want to work things out for both of you.

Open the door for him to tell you what’s on his mind by keeping accusations and assumptions safely locked away – they won’t do you any favors regardless of what your boyfriend actually says in the end.

I think he’s probably at the point where he’d welcome this conversation rather than avoid it.

I hope it all works out for the best for both of you!

Marlon

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The is not a comfortable situation to be in …Ive been there and was madly in love …but he was gay!! Please tell me his behaviour patterns towards you ..or things that you have noticed that make you suspect he is this way !!

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