I Don’t Need My Ex – I Just Want Her

Question:

Hi there,

I’m just wondering should I talk to my ex-girlfriend’s sister? You see I’m currently using the ‘no contact’ rule with my ex since we broke up. I recently learned she’s been seeing another guy since we broke up, a guy who she knows isn’t good for her because all he’s looking for is sex. I also know she’s very angry with me, and doesn’t want to see me, because of just how much I f**ked up our relationship.

I thought I was getting better as a person though, not changing but gradually trying to improve myself as a person. She’s told everyone that she still has some feelings for me but that she can’t get over how much she hates me because of how I treated her and how rude I was to her. I know this wasn’t the right way to treat her but I don’t know what to do – I have no friends to help me with this, or anyone that I can trust to talk to about it.

Basically I just want her back as she was the only real friend I had, and I was lucky enough that she was my girlfriend too. She meant everything to me.

Now when I look at your videos I can see where I went wrong, but the point here is that I’m afraid that because I treated her so badly I’ve destroyed any chance I have of getting back together with her. In my heart I still think that someday she will see that she made a mistake and should be with me, but I’m afraid it will take too long for that happen. I can’t face living without her right now – she was literally all I had.

I know that I can move on and get another girlfriend but I don’t want anyone else. I don’t even need my ex-girlfriend – I want her. She fixed me and now it’s my turn to do the same for her. Yes she is young, and we were only dating for 11 months tomorrow but that’s not the point.

Her sister told me she’s happy, or something like that, but do you think my ex still misses me or is she really happier without me? While we were together we were arguing about once per week, and that was the main reason we broke up. Now she’s made a mistake, from my point of view, and is now sleeping with this other guy, although I don’t think they’re having sex. She wound up kissing him while we were still together, and then 5 days later she broke up with me! This has just freaked me out completely because when we were together we didn’t kiss for the first 4 months, plus she still has all the stuff I bought her and that’s kinda bugging me too.

I just hope you can help me. I know my English is bad and I’m so sorry for that, but I hope you can get past this and if you don’t understand something I’ve said just ask. Oh and her sister tells my ex everything because they’re so close, but I figured you’d know that anyway.

Thanks for helping me I guess 🙂

Blaz

Answer:

Hi Blaz,

Okay there’s a lot to cover here but we’ll start with the basics: A woman isn’t a material possession you can simply own. If you want to have any success in the world of dating or romance you’ll need to learn that lesson right now. In fact I’d imagine that part of the reason why your girlfriend and yourself argued so much was because she felt you were trying to control her a lot i.e. wanting to know where she was and who she was talking to, right? If that’s the case I can promise you that women hate that, so it’s a habit you’ll need to break immediately regardless of whether or not you get your ex-girlfriend back. Repeat after me: women are not possessions!

Now on to her sister. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t talk to her, but you also need to be very careful about what you say because you know that she’s going to tell your ex every single word of your conversations. What’s worse is that human nature means that conversations like that get distorted when they’re passed on (Chinese whispers), so your ex won’t even be getting a full and accurate version of what you said because it’s not coming directly from you.

You’re telling me that your ex kissed another guy while she was with you and then broke up with you 5-days later, right? That has to tell you a couple of things and the first is that she was unhappy enough in your relationship that she looked to another man for comfort. It also tells you that your ex thinks that cheating is alright if she’s pi$$ed off enough with a person – cheating is never right. When cheating happens it means the relationship is at a very low point and that things have reached a critical level, but then again you’re admitting that most of this was your fault because you treated her so badly.

If she’s been sleeping with this other man then there’s a very good chance they’re having sex, or plan to in the very near future and I’m afraid that’s something you’ll need to accept because this woman is no longer a part of your life.

Can you get your ex-girlfriend back? Well I think a more important question here is whether or not you should get back together. It sounds that like between the arguing, the cheating and the fact that you “don’t want her – you just need her” that being in a relationship with you isn’t something she’ll want again very soon.

I’m not trying to be cruel here or upset you, but I think you have a lot to learn about how relationships work and how to treat women. Basically until you’re willing to treat a woman as an equal in any relationship you’re going to struggle to have a relationship last any more than a few months.

If you really want to get your ex back then you’re going to have to show her that you’re a worthy friend first, and then once she’s accepted that do your very best to show her that you love her in how you treat her. Just demanding that she gets back together with you isn’t going to work.

Marlon

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