I’m 25 and I’ve been dating a 37-year old guy for the past year, and he knows that I want our relationship to be exclusive. I’ve tried really hard here, but I feel like I’ve exhausted all my options and I need your help and advice on what I need to do to get this guy to commit to me.
I have sent long, angry emails asking him how he can let go of a great girl like me? The problem is they have no effect on him – it goes nowhere.
He does things like ignore me for 3-weeks and then decides to make contact. Then on top of that I found out a few weeks ago that he was seeing somebody else, and I was just totally devastated and shocked. He told me that we were never committed to each other, and that he doesn’t know how he feels about her because he looks at me and knows I have all these great qualities. That hasn’t stopped him from “dating” this other girl though.
He’s told me he loves me SO much as a friend, and then pointed out that you need that when you’re in a relationship. After he told me that I sent him a text saying he’d really hurt me because I thought we were slowly going in the right direction, but now he’s seeing this other girl instead. I also told him that he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do, and that I understand that.
He then texted me a few days later asking I wanted to play a game of tennis with him, but I completely ignored him. All I got after that was a message from him saying that I needed to stop being sore with him because he was so straight with me. I never responded to that message though – I’m following Ashley’s advice on that.
What advice can you give me to help this man commit to me?
I really do love him, and my feelings for him have grown over time. I can’t bear to lose someone whom I click with so much!
As much as you care for this man he’s made it quite obvious that he doesn’t really care about how you feel. After all what kind of jerk disappears for 3 weeks and then suddenly makes contact when it suits him? A big one!
This “man” you’re in love with has several personality traits which are worrying.
Ask yourself these questions about him:
- Does he have an incredible sense of self-importance i.e. does he exaggerate his achievements?
- Is he always talking about unlimited success or having unlimited power?
- Does he think he’s special or unique in some way, and that only other “special” and “unique” people will truly understand him?
- Does he constantly require praise for even the smallest of things?
- Does he expect to be treated differently to everyone else, or for people to always do things his way?
- Have you ever noticed him trying to exploit or manipulate other people for his own needs?
- Have you noticed that he lacks empathy, and just doesn’t understand other people’s feelings?
- Is he always jealous of what other people have, or feel that other people are jealous of him?
- Is he arrogant towards other people on a regular basis?
If you can answer “Yes” to about 5 of the above questions then you’re dealing with a narcissist, and that is the worst type of person you could ever be in a relationship with.
In my mind he’s already demonstrated several narcissistic behaviours by doing things like avoiding you for weeks and then expecting you to just fall at his feet when he shows up. Or even better he starts dating another woman without telling you and then inviting you to play tennis with him – once again proving he’s a jerk of Titanic proportions. Only the most callous person would do that to another human being. You see he knows that you have a passive personality too – basically meaning that he figures you’ll put up with his crap whereas another woman would tell him to take a long walk off a short cliff.
When it comes down to it you should never have to force somebody to commit to you, because if they truly love you then they’ll probably be the one to suggest exclusivity first. This guy cares about himself, what he wants, what he needs and how he feels and not a single other thing in the entire Universe.
Thank your lucky stars he’s gone and keep ignoring him – if he gets back into your life he’ll ruin it.
You’re 25 years old – you have the entire world at your feet and your entire life at head of you, so please don’t waste even another minute of your time on a piece of crap like this guy.
I know that might sound harsh but I’m just trying to save you any further heartache or upset.