How Do I “Fix” My Broken Girlfriend?

Question:

My name is Krasimir, I’m 17 and people call me Krasy for short. About a month ago my girlfriend and I broke up with each other after a relationship which lasted one year. I’ll need to start from the beginning of our story together – before and after – to give you a better idea of what happened. It’ll also allow me to explain a bit about myself as well.

For me the sole purpose of my life is to protect, love and take care of the people who are dearest to me. I don’t allow a lot of people to get into my closest social circle, because I’ve had the experience of being stabbed in the back by several people I trusted. This even included a friend of mine who stole money from me, even after I’d loaned him cash to pay off his weed debt. What’s even worse is that my other friends still don’t believe that he stole the money from me, even though he was the only other person in my house at that time. I “walked away” from that group of friends because they obviously didn’t want to think of him as being guilty. What’s really horrible about that situation is that I was saving that money to visit my online girlfriend – I’d scraped together every penny I could find to pay for my trip, but my “friend” stole that from me.

I’ve never really had much luck with my relationships. Even when I was in 7th grade I had a huge crush on this girl, and we’d spend lots of time together watching movies and taking care of each other. I saw her as being my girlfriend. Then I realized that this smart, beautiful young woman was basically a slut, and I even saw her having sex with 5 different guys at the same time – that happened in front of me! I just got used to the idea of girls cheating on me, because that’s what’s always happened.

But getting back to my story. I met my ex in 2009 in an online computer game called ‘S41’, and we became good friends very quickly. We had a secret crush on each other but then lost contact for 3 years. She told me I was one of the dearest people in her life back then. During the time when we lost contact she was dating a guy much older than her, and wound up being treated really badly by him and any other guy she met online. Even the one guy she met in real life wound up abusing her. She felt hurt and betrayed by every man she’d ever met.

One day I managed to restore my online gaming profile, found her Skype details, and we started talking a lot. It was then I realized that I didn’t just have a crush on her – it was actually love. We spent almost every waking moment together, and sometimes we didn’t even need words to communicate. She shared all of her secrets with me, and I did the same. I never told her that I loved her though – I knew that a long distance relationship would crush her. I just kept that to myself, even though it really hurt. I told myself she’d find somebody else.

The problem was that every guy she dated treated her badly, so I took things into my own hands and started trying to impress her. I lost 15 kilos in less than a month, and started hitting the gym really hard to get my muscles and abs in shape. I spent all my free time talking to her and even bought myself a Samsung S3 mini to talk to her. She told me she was completely in love with me, and I can even tell you when our first kiss was – 3:08am.

I did everything possible to give her the best time of her life, and she started calling me her “legend”. I really thought that our relationship was unshakeable, unbreakable – something that would last forever.

But after a year together we broke up. We were arguing about small things, but she decided to break up with me instead of working it out. I really didn’t expect that to happen. I’m still not sure exactly why she broke up with me, but I’m guessing that she either got tired of me, she found some other guy she wants to be with more than me, or she’s just taking a different path in life right now.

I did as much research on relationships as I could, and talked to her about “us”. It turns out that she felt “trapped” by our relationship, because before she met me she was very flirty and would have cyber sex with people she met online, but not all the time. She has a more adult sense of humor than I do, and she felt that we just spent too much time together too quickly. So basically she felt trapped in the relationship we had together – she wants to be careless, have no rules and do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

But the thing is that I realize that if she really does care then she’ll miss me and want to come back to me. If she doesn’t care about me, or miss me, then she’ll keep doing what she’s doing right now, which is keeping herself happy. She wants the happiness that she felt being around me, but at the same time she wants to be independent of a partner or relationship. She’s tried being cold with me and showing a lack of emotion to hurt me. When she did that I told her about this “other girl” I’d been chatting to, and she got jealous straight away and blocked me on one of the apps we use saying this, “Ur becoming annoying I’m blocking you until I am bored again and want to troll someone.”

Now we’re cold and distant with each other, but a week before our breakup we had sex and she didn’t feel distant at all. It all happened overnight, and within the space of a week she’d gone from being in love with me to breaking up with me. After a week of no contact with her she started sending me messages saying things like “How much do you hate me” and “When you die, you become important.”

She wants me, but wants her freedom at the same time. She doesn’t want to date, but just be “friends” instead. I feel like I have build myself up from ground zero to hero again, like I did the first time with her. I think I can change her mind though, and I just want her back the way she was: noble and untouched.

I’m sorry for writing such a long question, but please read everything I wrote here and give me some advice – I really need your help here!

Your help would mean the world to me.

Krasimir

Answer:

Hi Krasy,

Thanks for the very detailed question – at least I don’t need to ask you for extra information about your ex, or your relationship with her 🙂 . After reading through your question a few times I’m concerned about the mental health of your ex girlfriend, and particularly this comment she sent you on WhatsApp – “When you die, you become important”. This indicates that your ex is not emotionally stable at the moment, and might have the potential to harm herself. She needs to get professional help as soon as possible. I suspect that she self-harms already?

I think your ex has learned to use her body as “currency” to get what she wants from life. She craves the love and affection you give her, but can’t stand to be tied down to just one person. The reason for this is that she, like you, is just barely 17 years old. Both of you are far, far too young to be caught up in such a complex relationship, and it certainly isn’t up to you to fix it all and show her the true meaning of love. Believe me, with a girl like this you only get to spend time with her when it suits her, and then she’ll fly away to the next adventure when the first sign of commitment appears.

Going back to your original point about your friend stealing money from you – nobody needs friends like that, so you’re better off without them. The one thing here is that friends will tend to stick around a lot longer in your life than most girlfriends, so don’t be so quick to choose girlfriends first and lifelong friends next – you never know when you might need your friends’ support, so do your best to maintain a small circle of close, personal friends whenever possible. Friends obviously shouldn’t steal from each other though, so you did the right thing there.

You have a major problem in trying to make this relationship work because you want this girl in your life, but she only wants to be in your life when it suits her. You should remember that you’re only 17 years old, and that being love isn’t about making huge sacrifices and putting yourself in second place to all her needs. No, love is actually about supporting each other through good times and bad, and having somebody you can rely on in all aspects of your life together. This girl gives you a glimpse of a relationship with her and then she snatches it away again because she wants to go back to her life of flirting, cyber sex and enjoying herself.

Basically this girl has some pretty severe emotional problems and she needs help with them. She can’t be in a healthy relationship with you or anyone else until she gets professional help, which explains why she always winds up dating guys who treat her badly. She actually knows these guys are going to treat her badly in advance, but she hopes she can change them in the same way she hopes she can change you into what she wants in a guy i.e. the “bad” guy who treats her well. Yes, that means she’s looking for something which doesn’t exist, and she’ll keep looking for that in different people for the rest of her days if she doesn’t wake up to her problems sooner rather than later.

This girl obviously does have feelings for you, and she’s even tried to show you that in her own way but the fact remains that her emotional issues are going to keep hurting you as long as you try to create the relationship you want with her.

Krasy – and I’ve said this dozens of times to different people – you cannot make somebody love you. They either do, or they don’t. You can make some people feel that they’re obliged to date you because you treat them so well, but that always ends with them breaking up with you and walking away again.

You’ve already had a traumatic start in life with the girl from 7th grade you had a crush on, and now you’ve chosen to try and “fix” another broken woman in the form of this girl. Wanting to help people often becomes confused with wanting to fix them, and you have my word that you cannot fix your ex – that’s going to take months of counseling to get her head straight about not using her body and sex as a weapon against people who care for her, or to get what she needs/wants from people.

In the mean time you need to take care of yourself and decide what you want from life. At 17 the whole world is your oyster and you should be out there enjoying life and all the experiences it can offer you. There are millions of women out there for you to fall in love with, and not all of them have the deep emotional issues this girl has.

Who knows, maybe in 5 years time you might meet up with her again and sort things out, but for now you need to live your own life and not try to fix anyone else’s.

Marlon

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